Good bye? 

I know I am going to cringe when I re-read this in the future but my mind just won’t stop thinking about it.

Life keeps bringing new twists and turns and I can only think about how it will affect our future even though there’s not even a present. This is worse than any of those lame dork crushes in the movies. 

I want all of this to end for me because I know it’s gathering dust on the high shelf in your case. I never even wanted or expected any of this to happen the way it did. I just thought we would be friends but now we’re basically strangers again. 

I blame you for starting it and myself for not speaking up. We’re both in fault but I admit, the ending was more of mine in retrospect. I think that’s why I can’t stop thinking about it. I could have replied to your passive-aggresive facebook posts but I assumed you would be able to tell me any problem you have so I ignored them. I didn’t get closure, nor an explanation. I’ve tried to amend it but you’re being pretty stubborn yourself. 

I don’t want to live the rest of my life in regret but I think this one might stick. I lost a friend who opened my eyes to the complexities of the world and you don’t even know you did that. 

I guess this is good-bye, I hope you get out of my mind. I wish you all the happiness and that maybe in the future, we’ll figure this out for good? 

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Parents “know best”

Everytime my mom tells me of a “rishta”, I go into a panic mode. I don’t want to be engaged to anyone, especially not to a random guy. My parents’ ideal guy for me only includes the superficial characteristics any other brown parent wants for their daughter. It also includes me tolerating any abusive behavior and making all the compromises to make sure the marriage works. I’ve seen how my mom gives talks to my aunt and I don’t support any of it.

I think I’m not doing enough to show how serious I am about my education. I’m going to go full cold turkey on social media and fun for the sake of my education and life. I don’t want to live in regret. 

I envy my friends who don’t have marriage crazy parents. 

Summer Metamorphosis

Summer break is a week away and just like every year, I have a long list of activities to occupy myself. Unlike every year, I am going to actually complete all those activities. This is all part of my transformation that unfortunately took a back seat for a while. 

Change is hard and changing myself is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I’m thankful to God for giving me the right push to go towards changing mysel, even though I’m a bit late. I turn 23 this year and if I want to spend the remaining years of my life happy and content, I need to start following through with my plans.  This summer is all about change and I’m going to begin before summer because one of the most important lesson I learned is: there is no such thing as perfect timing. 

It’s getting tough for me out here.

I transfered to a different university and it feels like high school all over again. I’m trying to make friends but as soon as I enter the campus, my mouth and mind both clamp shut. The intrusive thoughts are starting to eat me up. I feel sad I wasted my life to be a good daughter and my parents still keep an extra eye on me. I am so boring that they think I’m hiding something from them when I literally have no life. Just months ago I was positive and happy. I’m trying to be like that again. I’m just tried of having to fight these battles. 

Trying to disrupt the cycle

I’m happy, productive, motivated, and calm. 
I start to get tired, less motivated, a little agitated.

I’m tired most of the time, taking rest doesn’t seem to help, I have poor concentration, guilt is eating me up.

I waste most of my time, the guilt appears when I’m genuinely busy with other committments, negative self-deprecating thoughts swirl in my head. I’m still stagnant.

I finally try to do damage control, a little too late. I get upset because I didn’t even try to reach my full potential. I promise not to repeat my mistake.

Motivation from Social Media 

Social media is a wonderful tool, once used right. After  a long time of abusing social media priveleges and coming to understand my mental state, I decided to properly use social media by following a lot of motivational pages, like a lot. My facebook, instagram, twitter, and snapchat were full of quotes to help overcome struggles. I saw the same thing over and over again, just worded differently. In the beginning, it helped me out alot. I was in a bad mental state and needed those words of encouragment tonget my work done. Now, however, they aren’t that helpful to me. It has nothing to do with the content or quality of those pages, I just find that I don’t need them anymore. I took some key points I learned and I’m still trying to effectively implement it in my life. These points are:

1. Get up as early as possible. It always helps to get a head-start.

2. Healthy body and healthy mind are the foundation of success.

3. If you’re passionate about it, be obsessed about it. Never half-ass anything.

4. Practice does make it perfect. 

5. Think about all the things that can go wrong, and do what you can to prevent it. If you can’t prevent, have faith in yourself. 

6. Acknoweldge your negative emotions/feelings but don’t believe them.

7. It is more important for you to have faith in yourself and your dream then for others to do so. 

8. If you’re tired, take rest. Don’t burn out.

9. Surround yourself with competitive and positive people.

10. It’s okay to end relationships that are toxic for you. Sometimes, being selfish is good. 

These are just some of the main points I’ve learned. InshaAllah, I can implement these and achieve my goals as well. 

No Idols

Idol: A person or thing that is greatly admired, loved, or revered.

I think it’s important for a child to have a person he/she look up to as an inspiration. I excitedly watched tv and read books looking for such people and mirrored whatever character I found somewhat deserving of that title. It’s easier to choose fictional characters because those those characters are usually built up to perfection. 

If one met my family, I would be called a strange girl for not considering my parents to be my idols. Thankfully, no one ever asked me who I idolise. Now, just to be clear, my parents are not terrible people. They are, in fact, quite amazing. My father grew up in a village in Northern Pakistan with barely any food and defied all odds to become a well-respected government official (mashaAllah). My mother battled many medical illnesses and hardship as a young girl taking care of her five siblings to become the doting mother of five children and the best cook in town. My parents are self-less people, always remembering to help the community back in our village and in our neighborhood as well. They made sure to give their children the best education possible and the love and care with it as well. Whenever my friends meet my parents, they call me lucky for having such supportive parents. Family dinners are filled with laughter.  They are great parents and a great couple as well, but they can not be my idols.

See, with the good there’s also bad. My parents are only human, they are going to have their vices. They grew up in a different place, in a different time, and their views match that era. They are forever growing and learning but some of their thoughts are set in stone. 

I learned from a young age about the hypocrisy of adults. I inherited my dad’s temper and my mom’s anxiety yet I was the one being admonished for those qualities and they were not supposed to change. I learned that girls are equal to boys but girls have to do house-work, and a boy can help if he wants. I saw how men are supposed to be the head of the family and are considered all-knowing even when they’re wrong. I was told to be quiet and obedient but also loud and outspoken like the other kids. There was no huge incident that made me realize this, just a lot of small ones that connected to one another. 

All in all, I learned that my parents are not my idols. I admire them for their grit, faith, and intelligence. They have given me life and so much more than I could ever repay them for, but I do not want to be just like them. To be honest, I have no idols. I think everyone should read the complete history of people they idolise. Every person has vices and history tends to hide those vices. It is important to not tarnish a person’s good reputation but I find some of the acts of modern idols to be extremely repulsive and them not worthy of idolising (e.g. Michael Jackson and his child-grooming mansion).

I grew out of idolising fictional characters as well. It’s best not to mix reality with fantasy. I have no idols as such, just admirable people I’m thankful for. I hope to learn from both their good and bad side and try my best to treat them as human as they are.